"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."

"Why is it when we talk to God we're praying -- but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?"

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?"

"Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them."

"What's reality anyway? Nothing but a collective hunch."

"The impersonal hand of government can never replace the helping hand of a neighbor."

"As blushing will sometimes make a whore pass for a virtuous woman, so modesty may make a fool seem a man of sense."

"Self-confidence is something caught and not taught. And, risk-running and chance-taking are the only ways to catch it."

"Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'"

"And now also the ax is laid unto the root of the trees."

"No doubt alcohol, tobacco, and so forth, are things that a saint must avoid, but sainthood is a thing that human beings must avoid."